I drive a cute little silver Mazda Protege 5 that is a few years old. I'm happy with it - I like the looks of it and it's totally functional. But if someone called me from a contest I entered and told me I won a brand new car, I'd be pretty excited. I'd eagerly anticipate the 'big reveal', imaging a hot new sports car to joy ride in or an SUV perfect for hauling all our sports equipment to events. And then if the big day arrived and they unveiled a 2003 Mazda Protege 5 (the exact same car I already have) painted blue instead of silver, it would be a major let-down. Not that I don't like that car...but I would have just been expecting more.

Now let's talk about the new Canucks jersey that was revealed yesterday. It was totally hyped - the Canucks organization threw a big party at GM Place, they pumped the intro of the brand new jersey in the media, there were radio stations broadcasting from the event, etc. I was expecting a totally new design - a whole new logo, colour scheme, etc. And then TA DA! They reveal basically the same jersey in different colours. It felt like a let-down.

All over the paper this morning people are trashing the new jerseys. But the thing is - after the initial let-down subsided, I realized I actually like the changes they made. I like the new colours that revive the blue and green of the old 'stick in rink' jersey. I like the new font they chose for 'Vancouver'. And I'm glad they kept the Orca logo - it represents the west coast and I'd be upset if we had to lose Fin (our Orca mascot). It's just that they hyped the 'brand new' jersey so much that my initial reaction was shock when the jersey they revealed wasn't much of a departure from the old one.

Back to the car example. Even though I like the 2003 Mazda, I still probably would have raged on the contest organizers for false advertising! So, maybe the answer is to get angry at the Orca Bay organization for over-hyping...and not get angry at the jersey.

Tomaaato, Tomato
Potaaato, Potato
Brayden, Brendan...

I was reading an article in the Vancouver Sun about the Vancouver Canucks' Brendan Morrison's little five-year-old son, Brayden, practicing with the team the other day. Why do people give their kids names that are so similar to their own? They sound so much alike, neither one knows when you're talking to them half the time. You're calling upstairs to one of them and neither person can tell which name you're yelling. I know first-hand about this - my Mom is often called Jan (short for Jana) and I'm Jen. Confusion! I'll tell you one thing, with a husband named Bryce, the name Bruce is definitely ruled out as an option for a boy when we have kids.

About six months ago, I wrote about hockey needing a celebrity couple to attract US attention to the sport due to its low TV ratings. New York Islanders Centre Mike Comrie is rumoured to be dating pop star/actress Hilary Duff. Could this be the couple the NHL has been waiting for?

Before I answer that question, let's talk about celebrities that date outside of their industry. It's so interesting to see how they react to being exposed to a whole different type of fans. Hilary's used to teeny boppers trying to dress like her and screaming and fainting at the sight of her. But with a boyfriend in the NHL, she's being exposed to hockey fans now too. And passionate hockey fans are a whole different sort...especially angry ones. After Comrie refused to sign a contract with the Edmonton Oilers before the 2002-03 season for personal reasons he refused to disclose, he became one of the most hated Oilers in team history. Whenever he returns to Edmonton, Oilers fans always BOO him whenever he touches the puck. With hockey fans all of a sudden taking notice of the pop queen, she sensed that she might get attention from more than just her Duff-loving fans when she visited Edmonton this week on her current concert tour. Those Edmonton fans don't forget those who diss their city (Pocklington and Pronger for example) and I suspect that Hilary was worried that as the girlfriend of a hated ex-Oiler, she wouldn't escape the wrath of the Oilers fans. So, she decided to kiss a little Edmonton ass. And so, this week in Edmonton, she donned a paper hat and apron and dished out food to the homeless. Hilarious.

If we look at it the other way around, Hilary's fans are now getting to know Mike Comrie as well. But this is the reason I don't think this celebrity couple will not be the one to change the interest level in hockey. Somehow I don't think the exposure to teenage girls is going to save the NHL.

Although...imagine if it did. What if hockey became uber-popular with the teen girl crowd? Oh my Lord...we'd have to wear ear-plugs to the games to protect our ears from the high-pitched screams, they'd replace the beer stands with stands selling Bratz dolls in hockey jerseys, and we'd have to endure seeing our hockey stars in gag-inducing poses on posters from Tiger Beat magazine in school lockers. AHHHH.....please, no!

According to reports earlier this week, Hurricanes star Eric Staal and his brother, Jordan Staal of the Penguins, were arrested for misdemeanor disorderly conduct and obstructing the legal process at Eric Staal's bachelor party at a Minnesota resort. Apparently they were arrested after "screaming, yelling and playing loud music."

GASP! A loud bachelor party?! Heaven forbid. Next thing you know, they'll be telling us there were female strippers there too. Strippers at a bachelor party?! How awful!

It is a BACHELOR PARTY. The whole point is to get everyone as drunk as possible and get people to do crazy stuff that everyone will remember for years to come. What should they have done? Organized a calm and quiet get-together with little mini sandwiches and non-alcoholic punch? That would be called a tea party...not a bachelor party. Seriously, if a bunch of young, 20-somethings (Eric is 22 and Jordan is 18) got together and it wasn't loud and crazy, it would be a bad party. The Best Man would be blacklisted from hosting a Bachelor Party ever again. Just because they're hockey players means they can't participate in a wedding tradition that has been around for hundreds of years (according to Wikipedia, the history of bachelor party is thought to have originated with a bachelor dinner that was traditional in ancient Sparta (5th century) where soldiers would toast each other on the eve of a friend€™s wedding), does it? If they did anything wrong, it was that they chose a bad location for the party. C'mon guys, don't host a bachelor party in a quiet, stodgy, uptight resort that is going to complain about noise. That would be like hosting a high school grad at a senior's home and hoping none of the old fogeys would complain. Save the resort for the tea party.

If you're a professional athlete and you injure another player with a violent action, there aren't too many excuses you can use for your behaviour. You can't plead "Not Guilty" because EVERYBODY saw it - and they probably saw it in slow motion replay a hundred times afterwards too. And you can't plead "Insanity" if you want to keep your job - nobody wants a crazy person running loose on the sporting surface. So, the athletes typically suck it up and make a teary apology in a press conference the day after.

That is, until now. It looks like athletes could soon be using "Temporary Blackouts" as an excuse for their violent behaviour. The Vancouver Sun reported last week that Dr. Brian Hunt, a respected North Vancouver neurologist, believes that often times in sports incidents the attacker was himself concussed, which is why many pro athletes are sometimes prone to erratic behaviour. He uses the Marty McSorely of the Boston Bruins hit on the Vancouver Canucks' Donald Brashear as an example. He says:

"Earlier in the game, Brashear had really clocked him [in a fight]. The shaking and jarring of the brain affected McSorely. He was partly brain damaged."

Poor Bert (you may recall the infamous Todd Bertuzzi hit on Steve Moore in the Vancouver-Colorado in 2004). If only he had met Dr. Hunt while he was here in Van. All he had to say was that he had scrambled brains and he may have been able to avoid his lost salary (during his suspension), lost endorsements, thousands in lawyer fees...and that horrible sobbing press conference apology.

(Duck a l'orange)

Unless you've been living under a rock, you've likely heard about the book/DVD The Secret recently. After the self-help phenomenon based on the Law of Attraction - the idea that you attract everything (positive or negative) that happens to you - was featured on Oprah, it has exploded into the mainstream. As doubtful as I am that simply thinking about something will make it happen (without any specific action involved), I'm willing to try it out with my beloved Canucks who have made it to Round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs against the Anaheim Ducks. Since The Secret talks about making lists and vision boards to keep you focused on what you want, I decided to make a nice list of headlines I'd like to see in the paper soon (and you know how the papers love rhyming):

Canucks F*ck Ducks

Canucks Find Luck with the Puck against Ducks

A Feather in Their Cap: Canucks Pluck Ducks

Ducks are Struck by the Truck that is the Canucks

Cluck, Cluck: That Wimpy Team Playing the Canucks Look Like Chickens Not Ducks

Ducks get Stuck and Chuck Canucks into the Next Round

Now, let's all go stare at this list and think about it to make it happen, OK? Especially after last night's OT loss...

Thought I'd post some of my recent articles today. Check out my latest Province column about where Canucks fans rank in terms of intimidation in the minds of the NHL players. And here's my big article on Chris Zimmerman, the president & CEO of Orca Bay Sports & Entertainment - the cover story in this month's BC Business magazine.

It stinks in my house. And it's not because I've forgotten to empty the garbage or my cat has just delivered a present in his litter box. We have a skunk problem. Pepe and his wife Penelope seem to have taken up residence under our deck and have taken to spraying the house. Alas, if only I could repel my striped little friends with the ease that Edmonton has in repelling NHL star players! As I'm sure you've already heard, Ryan Smyth was nabbed by the Islanders away from the Oilers before the trade deadline last week. What is going on in Edmonton? It seems as if they've had some devastating losses of franchise, face-of-the-team players at unexpected moments over the years. Remember when Gretzky was unexectedly dealt to Los Angeles during the off-season back in 1988? Then there was Messier after Gretzky. And how about Pronger this past off-season? Now Smyth. Is it Rexall Place? It is one of the oldest and smallest arenas in the league. Is it the cold winters? The average temperature in Edmonton in January is below -10 Celsius. Or is it just these players' large salaries that cause the trades? Whatever repellent is in the air in Edmonton, someone please bottle it so I can try it on my skunks.

Check out my latest column for The Province about why the NHL needs their own Posh & Becks.

The latest pickup by the WHL's Vancouver Giants before the trade deadline has an unusual name to say the least - Wacey Rabbit.  The forward was apparently named after Wacey Cathy, a former world-champion bull rider.

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I keep wanting to say Wacey Wabbit since the name reminds me too much of Elmer Fudd's infamous line "Ooooh...that wascally wabbit!"  The papers are having fun with it already too - "This Rabbit is no bunny" says The Province for example.  Here's a few headlines I can envision:

"He just keeps going and going..." - If Rabbit seemed to have endless energy on the ice.

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"Silly Rabbit, tricks are for kids" - If Rabbit were to screw up while trying to make a fancy shot.

"They got Rabbit hopping" - If Wacey got hoppin' mad in a game.

"What's up Doc?" - If Rabbit got  injured.

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"Playboy bunny" - If he came up with a few great plays in a game.

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"Velveteen Rabbit" - If he showed 'velvet hands'/got on a scoring streak.

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"Rabbit gets his carrot" - If he got drafted to a big NHL salary.

"Cadbury wants their bunny back" - If Rabbit was not being aggressive/playing like a chicken.  (Recall the clucking rabbit in the Cadbury creme egg ads.)

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"Racey Rabbit" - If he were to hang up his skates and become a porn star.

Fan voting for Eastern and Western Conference starting lineups in the January 24th 2007 All-Star game in Dallas closes at 8:59PM on January 2, and with 428,832 votes as of yesterday, middle-of-the-road defenseman Fitzpatrick is positioned to make the team.  If you haven’t already heard, 22-year-old Steve Schmid of Auburn, NY, started an online campaign at voteforrory.com to vote the Vancouver Canuck in as a write-in nominee.

Sure, Rory seems like a great guy, and I'm sure playing in the All-Star game would be a cool experience for him.  But in my opinion, his presence in the lineup would ruin the impressive status and implied talent that being named an 'All-Star' once represented. Will he forever be referred to as 'All-Star Rory Fitzpatrick' from now on?   That just doesn't seem right.  Whether fans are choosing Rory as a representative of the average, hard-working player, to protest the voting system, or to spice up an annual event they feel is boring, their motives are not to put the most skilled player in the lineup.

Let's compare this All-Star situation to the Christmas-Star.  The star goes on the top of your Christmas tree because it is the shiniest, most brilliant, biggest and best of all the decorations on the tree.  Now what would your tree look like if you just put a regular old Christmas decoration on the top?  Not quite the same effect, is it?  It looks out-of-place and makes the whole tree look kind of dowdy, doesn't it?

           

All-Stars are supposed to be the best of all the players in the league.  Like your Christmas tree, if you put something ordinary where a star should be, it just won't be the same.  He will look out-of-place and will tarnish the whole event.

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Veteran agent Don Meehan and star Washington Capitals player Alexander Ovechkin have parted ways after five years together. The Russian star fired the head of Newport Sports Management during a meeting last week. It's believed Ovechkin's mother will be taking over her son's affairs.

Uh oh.  Parent managers = TROUBLE.  Sure, Ovie's mom Tatiana has some sporting experience - she played basketball for the former Soviet Union and won Olympic gold medals in 1976 and 1980.  But she's got the poor track record of celebrity parent-managers working against her.  A quick look at a few parent-manager nightmares shows this might not be a good idea....

The father of young country singer LeAnn Rimes makes a great example of a parent-manager gone wrong. In 2000, LeAnn sued her Dad for filching her out of over $7 million.  What if there is a money-hungry woman inside of Mama Ovechkin, who will pull a big fat profit for herself at the expense of Ovie?  You never know!  I can see those dorsal fins circling as we speak...the lawyer sharks are probably licking their chops right now.

Another great example is the Dad-manager of kid actor Macaulay Culkin.  He became legendary as one of Hollywood's most overbearing "stage fathers" ever.  Eventually, his reputation was so bad that no one wanted to work with Macaulay anymore.  What if Ovechkin's Mom transforms into an overbearing 'showbiz Mom'? 

Some manager-parents seem to get so swept up in the celebrity thing that they start trying to push her way into the spotlight too.  Check out Dina Lohan, actress Lindsay Lohan's manager-Mom (below).  She's always talking to the media, edging her way onto red carpets and even trying to look like her own daughter.    Is it possible that Ovie's Mum could also start dressing to the nines and elbowing her way into the post-game media scrums?

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Or maybe Mrs. Ovechkin will just start telling the media about how 'well endowed' her son is.  You may recall Jessica Simpson's father/manager, Joe Simpson, saying this about his daughter's chest:  "She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"

So here's hoping, for Ovie's sake, that Mom Ovechkin becomes one of the only non-dysfunctional parent-managers. 

At the very least, I'm sure she'll be able to hook Ovie and herself up with a Chunky Soup ad now.

  

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Calgary Flames winger Darren McCarty, a former Red Wing, has filed for bankruptcy.  In documents filed in U.S. Bankruptcy Court in Detroit, McCarty listed assets of $1.9 million US and debts of $6.2 million.

McCarty joins the bankrupt athlete club that includes boxer Mike Tyson, footballer George Best, and top female basketball player Sheryl Swoopes.  Plus, there are many other celebrities who have gone bankrupt including actress Kim Basinger, rapper MC Hammer and child star Gary Coleman.  How do people who make at least ten times what the average person earns wind up in bankruptcy?

In McCarty's case, my guess is that he not only looks like King Tut (with his pointy chin hair), but before this bankruptcy he had an Egyptian King-sized ego too.  A few years ago when he was at the top of his game, he probably never imagined that he might not be as good or as popular someday.  And he was likely under the delusion that his body would somehow stay preserved like a mummy.  In reality, his body has aged (he's now 33), he's not as good, and he is earning less than half what he was in 2003.  But the damage was done - McCarty had already spent like a king without the endless riches of King Tut. 

Tut, tut, McCarty.  Hope you learned your lesson.

You thought Crocs were only good for walkin' the beach on vacation in your swimsuit?  Apparently they're also good for warming up for a hockey game in your spandex.  Check out Ovechkin before the Washington-Vancouver game on October 27:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIMWZp34Nu0

The NHL wants to put bums in seats?  Why aren't they focusing more on marketing personalities like Ovechkin?  He's not only amazing to watch on the ice, but he's entertaining off the ice too.  Hilarious.  Personality with a capital P.  Here's a few of my favourite Ovechkin quotes:

Reporter: So who do you like to watch on the highlights?
Ovechkin: "Me"

"When I wake up now, I don't have breakfast. I try to make something, but it's no good. I just go to Starbucks and eat chocolate."

"Here you see 65 (mph) and you can go 80. In Russia, you see 65 and you can go 100 or whatever you want. Just give the police some money."

"I saw the rebound and when the puck came to me, I said, 'Oh my God, puck.'  I must shoot."

"They are fans, and they want my signature. They live in Washington, and they are fans of our team. I think if I signed 10 signatures and there were 20 more fans waiting and I didn't sign for them also, they would want to know why, and I would feel bad. If you have time, why not sign them all?"

The Canadian Hockey League, that includes the Western, Ontario and Quebec major junior leagues, announced league-wide drug testing this season.

The same league in which players have to billet with a family and get paid a measly $50 per week allowance can afford to institute drug testing?

That would be like making your children starve so that you could afford to hire a spy to catch your husband cheating. 

Except that your husband at least got hot sex from cheating.  The drug-taking player probably wouldn't see much benefit - unless small penises and big, bulky muscles slowing him down are going to help his game somehow.

But hey - that's just my opinion.

It's gonna be a slow year for Vancouver's puck bunnies (PBs). Slower than the hamster wheel turning in NY Islanders owner Charles Wang's head. You see, I was inspired by the gals over at Hot Oil to check out the marital status of the Canucks, and from what I could find, there are only four guys for the PBs to scrap over (assuming all those 'taken' guys are faithful). Watch out, Vancouver Giants... the PBs are gonna be achin' for some hockey loin and you guys are next in line.

Married

Markus Naslund - Markus and his wife Lotta have three children, Rebecca, Isabella and Alex.

Roberto Luongo - Roberto and his wife Gina were married this past spring.

Mattias Ohlund - Mattias and his wife Linda have two children, Viktor and Hannah.

Kevin Bieksa - Married to Katie.

Sami Salo - Sami and his wife Johanna have a daughter named Julia and a son named Oliver.

Brendan Morrison - Brendan is married to Erin, and they have a son, Brayden, and two daughters.

Willie Mitchell - Got married in the off-season of '06.

Trevor Linden - Married to wife Cristina.

Ryan Kesler - Married and has 3 dogs.

Daniel Sedin - Daniel and wife Marinette welcomed daughter Ronga to the family this past summer.

Rory Fitzpatrick - Rory and wife Tracey have four kids: Hannah (8 ), Brady (5), Conner (3) and Rory (1).

Matt Cooke - Matt and his wife Michelle have two daughters, Gabby and Reece and a son named Jackson.

Henrik Sedin - Henrik married his girlfriend Johanna this past summer.

Dany Sabourin - Has a wife, Cindy, who was in a severe car accident in 2003, and children (not sure how many).

Jan Bulis - Has a wife Iva and son, Jan.

Girlfriend

Luc Bourdon - Has a longterm girlfriend, Sarah Daly

Alexandre Burrows - Has a girlfriend Nancy.

Josh Green - Girlfriend is Krystin.

Single

Lukas Krajicek - ?

Taylor Pyatt - ?

Tommi Santala - ?

Marc Chouinard - Single.

UPDATE: Pyatt apparently is not single. He's living with his girlfriend in Yaletown. And as for Bourdon (although he's been sent back down to junior), I hear his girlfriend's name is Charlene, not Sarah.

UPDATE: Turns out Trevor Linden might be single too. Rumour has it he was divorced a couple of years ago.

UPDATE: One of The Pink Seats readers sent me these juicy tips (but don't hold me to them - I don't know how true they are!): Linden and his wife are still working out their divorce settlement and she supposedly in a relationship with Linden's brother now. Santala proposed to his girlfriend at Christmas, Sabourin and his wife have a 17 month old daughter, Burrows is prowling the clubs even though he's got a girlfriend and Josh Green also proposed to his girlfriend.

UPDATE: Seriously, does anyone know the truth about Linden??? A reader now tells me "Trevor is definitely still married to Christina...there is no divorce and she is definintely not dating Jamie his brother. Christina actually owns a clothing store in Yaletown and Trevor and her spend their time lying low and biking." What is the truth?

UPDATE (again!):   According to the newest issue of Vancouver magazine, Trevor Linden is, in fact, married.  Several times during the article the author makes reference to his wife, Christina.

UPDATE:  The Pink Seats reader Rebecca tells us that Linden and Christina have been happily married for years and she owns a boutique in Yaletown called Basquiat: 

http://www.vancouverplus.ca/shopping_services/basquiat/1059435

 

In the dressing room after a game, the Calgary Flames have the 'all business' tie that the players give to the guy they voted was the hardest working on the ice. And it looks like the Oilers have this ugly fur-collared jacket called the 'ugly coat' for the same purpose (see Ryan Smyth below).

Do any of the other NHL teams have a dressing room award like this?  If not, here are my suggestions for the other Canadian teams:

The Canadiens
A top hat and cane in honour of the singing frog from the Looney Tunes cartoons.  Quite appropriate, I think, for a frenchie (also referred to as 'frogs') that is the 'unsung hero' of the game.  "Hello my honey, hello my baby, hello my ragtime gal..."

The Leafs
A sun t-shirt for the player who made such a difference that, like the planets around the sun, the game practically revolved around him.  Perfect for a Torontonian who thinks they are the centre of the universe, no?!

The Senators
For the political capital of our country, a mask resembling Canadian politician Belinda Stronach for the player who was a 'maneater' out on the ice.

The Canucks
I think the Canucks should have an umbrella hat - representative of our rainy weather here in Vancouver and because the player worked so hard he should be "showered" with praise.

The Predators' Jordan Tootoo has cleverly replaced his old number 55 with the number 22 left by Greg Johnson.  Get it?  Tootoo, 2-2?  Too funny.  Here's a few other uniform/equipment changes that would cause a few laughs:

• A NASCAR car sponsored by Charmin with toilet paper painted on it for driver Dick Trickle.
• A number 69 jersey for former baseball player Lenny Dykstra.
• A pink jersey for NBA player Rudy Gay.
• A jersey with an Oscar Mayer sponsorship for Atlanta Falcons' Todd Weiner, New York Yankees' Randy Johnson or former MLB pitcher Dick Pole.
• A "number 2" for retired goalie Daren Puppa.

The Calgary Flames have traded their hard hat for a necktie in their post-game victory ritual this season.  Like the shiny gold hart hat and the battered green one that preceded it, the tie will be given to one of the game's unsung heroes in the dressing room after a Flames win.  It is scarlet in colour and features the Flames logo on the front and the latest team motto "All Business" stitched on the back.  In a Calgary Herald article today, defenseman Andrew Ference was quoted as saying, "It's just a fun thing - trot the guys out in front of the media and they have to wear something stupid.  But (the work ethic it symbolizes) is important, probably the most important part of our team."

 Jeff Friesen was the first to wear the tie after the Flames 2-1 win on Saturday against the Oilers.  Friesen says the Flames have a league-wide reputation as a fun place to play.  "That's what is great about the team they have here," he said.  "You always hear about the fun stuff they do.  You hear of Calgary having hard hats and growing mustaches (as a contest).  You've got to use that to your advantage, it's such a great group of guys.  In today's game, team chemistry is a huge part of having success."

That tie represents more than just the "All Business" motto of the Flames this year.  That tie represents what all the other teams in the NHL, and especially the Northwest Division, should be afraid of  - the Flames' team camaraderie.  Every year it is not the team that looks the best on paper that wins the Stanley Cup.  That unquantifiable factor is what makes the champion unpredictable - the friendships that develop, the way the team comes together, the dressing room bonding, etc.  Golf's Ryder Cup this year is a perfect example.  Looking at the teams on paper, the competition should have at least been a close one - especially with players like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson on the American side.   But the Europeans demolished them by a margin of 18½ to 9½. Why?  The Europeans were not so much a team as a group of buds.  According to a Guardian Unlimited article: 

Westwood and Clarke are best mates. So, too, are Paul McGinley and Padraig Harrington, who take their families on holiday together. McGinley and Clarke used to live round the corner from each other. Clarke and David Howell play social golf together - £100, winner takes all. They are members of the same club. So is McGinley. Luke Donald and Paul Casey were contemporaries on the US college circuit. Henrik Stenson and Robert Karlsson play practice rounds together and dine together.

The Flames may start off slow out of the gate, but it will be the team spirit that evolves that will be the biggest threat to the other teams.  Especially when there are teams that will have challenges with team building like my Vancouver Canucks who have a new coach and 14 players gone from last season.

Now, back to the tie.  Here's my vote for their "All Business" award.  As a nod to the city's business community and those spoiled rich oil tycoons the city is teeming with right now, they could have sported this hat instead of the tie ...

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September 26th was the Canucks' Swedish players the Sedin twins' (Daniel and Henrik) 26th birthday.  We're willing to be they gave each other matching snowflake sweaters.